You're sitting at home, watching repeats of soap operas. When suddenly, you hear a roar down the street. Only it isn't a roar, it's a growl, a loud V12 growl that can be heard for miles around. You panic, grab your family, and go into the panic room to cower in fear, but it's too late, for the thunderous beast destroyed half your neighborhood and killed all your neighbors. Before you know it, you're face to face with the monstrous beast of iron and diesel fuel. Before you can say anything, it makes it's tire mark on your dead body and leaves. It's name? THE CUNTINATOR.

Now this fable can be yours for $5,000!

[replaces Monster]



[Author - universetwisters]

"SCOOT AROUND WITH THE SCOOTASU" was the craziest Japanese commercial we saw back in the day. A family of twelve all packing into the cab of this thing and then driving away while some tentacle monster fucks up Tokyo in the background. Sadly, the actual "Kei Truck" as they call it isn't anywhere near exciting as that. It's slow, cumbersome, and not very attractive. Unless, of course, you're into ugly stuff like that. Then yeah, we'll give you this Japanese import for $20,000, please.

[replaces Sweeper]



[Author - universetwisters]

Want to go all "easy rider" and see the country, but you're too tied down to your 9-5 office job? Instead of seeing the country, why not just ride down the end of your block, seeing as you're too big of a whiner to ditch the khakis and tie for a leather jacket? And for a whiner, you need a bike fit for a whiner! And with that, what better bike would be good for you than the Daemon? Four gears, kickstarter, and if you act now, we'll throw in some diapers because YOU'RE TOO BIG OF A PUSSY TO BUY A DECENT BIKE but hey, we aren't complaining.

[replaces Freeway]



[Author - universetwisters]

Is it STILL a truck? Is it STILL a car? Is it STILL collecting dust in a guy's storage unit in Vermont? Not anymore! Sunshine Autos has brought you a pristine 1959 Picador AGAIN. Based on the "utes" from Australia, this is STILL THE American coupe utility vehicle that proved you can still look good in a pickup truck. Of course, that backfired when the rednecks came around, but hey! This is STILL THE 1959 Picador! STILL THE car that baby boomers lust after because their parents had them! STILL THE car that marked the beginning of socially acceptable farm work! STILL THE car that could be yours for $15,500!

[replaces Voodoo]



[Author - universetwisters]

Built in a factory in the British Midlands, the Tramp Campbell is one beast of a machine. 4-speed transmission, four stroke engine, durable steel frame, and everything in between. This bike can get you from the fields of England, the winding streets of London, and our hands, where we'll sell it to you for the LOW, LOW price of $1,500! Get on this deal as quick as you can for your chance to get your own British sports bike from the 1960s!

[replaces BF400]



[Author - universetwisters]

We know commuting isn't fun, sitting in your car on the beltway for hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic with 80's pop music playing on the radio, constantly paranoid about the fact that while you're at your 9-5 office job, your wife is having an affair with the pool boy. At least with a car this sturdy, you'll have less of a reason to go on a shooting spree from your cubicle. Plus, this is a car made in Germany! And we all know the Germans make good things, such as the Berlin Wall, World War Two, and Bratwurst.

[replaces Manana



[Author - universetwisters]

There isn't much we can say about it that the trailer some dopey kid in Florida made for us doesn't. Watch it, like what you see, give us a check.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrQ3OMzapCY

[replaces Faggio, Taxi, Club, Copcarla, and Clover]



[Author - universetwisters]

By far, buying this bike the quickest and easiest way to travel cross-country, unless you have a helicopter. But who can afford a helicopter these days? And even if you can afford one, there's no fun in doing stunts and jumps in a helicopter. Stop trying to argue, you're much better off buying this HIV-1000. Plus, with a price tag of $3,000, why buy a helicopter?

[replaces PCJ-600]



[Author - universetwisters]

Can you make food? Can you drive? Can you run a business? If you answered "yes" to all those three, then you should open up a pizzeria! And what makes a good pizzeria is whether or not they deliver. Do you want your pizzeria to be a good one? Then get this classic Blista Compact, formerly owned by the Well Stacked Pizza Company of Daytona, Florida! You got all you need to start delivering pizzas, a sign showing off your profession to the world, a cheap, economic car, and a few pizza boxes in the seat! Be warned, though, don't let anybody sit in the passenger seat or else they'll RUIN the pizzas. And you can get fired from that. So seriously though, don't sit on the pizzas.

[replaces Blistac]



[Author - universetwisters]

What's more American than a liquor store robbery in broad daylight? And what's even more American than two blonde, broad-shouldered police officers with thin mustaches arriving on the scene to shoot down the perp in cold blood. But what's even more American than that? The squad car they arrive in - a 1982 Greenwood, formerly used by Florida's own Jaega County. Restored from original sirens to original seats, this is one squad car you won't hesitate to get into!

[replaces Copcarla, or any police vehicle if need be]



[Author - universetwisters]